


Feel Again

by GabrielaJane



Category: Criminal Minds, Spencer Reid - Fandom
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-08
Updated: 2016-07-08
Packaged: 2018-07-13 02:04:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7134125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GabrielaJane/pseuds/GabrielaJane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pandora Jane Schuyler had always been able to keep herself distant and divorce herself from the rather romantic feelings that she had developed for her co-worker and best friend, Spencer Reid.  However as time went on she wanted nothing more than to be his, and love him the way Spencer Reid deserved to be loved, but as always many things stood between love. The first being their complicated job as homicide and serial killer investigators, and the second being her husband, Christopher Turning.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Milk & Honey

**Author's Note:**

> The main character does have a name and age and specific looks but feel free to change it up. Instead of reading "Pandora rushed into the FBI" you can read it "(Your name) rushed into the FBI" instead of reading "she had long brown hair" you can rephrase it into "She had short blond hair" (or whatever type of hair you have). Please imagine the Pandora as yourself ! I would have written it in the readers point of view but I thought it would be a little unprofessional and complicated with the whole Y/L/N and stuff. But yes please consider yourself Pandora, I mean we all deserve a little love story with Spender Reid

Chapter One. Milk & Honey

 

“Christopher, I work for the FBI’s behavioral analysis unit, of course I know you’ve been screwing around all this year!” I shouted in distress, coming home from a haunting and exhausting case all I wished for was some peace and quiet, however my husband was relentless.

“DAMN IT PANDORA YOU SAID YOU WOULDN’T PROFILE ME!” Christopher yelled rolling his eyes as he paced across our vintage bedroom. 

“It’s not profiling Chris, it’s observing” I made out honestly. It didn’t take an FBI’s profiler to deduce that Christopher had been cheating on me ever since I joined the bureau, my time away on cases gave him the opportunity to invite women into our bed. Despite the fact that I didn’t witness that happening, I knew that every single day I was away with my tireless BAU team, my husband broke our marriage bows, and it tore my heart apart. It was depressing how much he had change since our fateful wedding day. Once upon a time, years ago, Christopher Turning was my adventure. He introduced me to a life of hazard and happiness, he provided me with an escape from the heavy burden of fear that my job provided, and perhaps that is why I allowed myself to love him, because he became the light inside of me that sustained me, the light that gave me a reason to wake up. However no matter how strong a flame is, it will always shut off, always. As time went on Christopher seemed to forget the humble and kind love that I relentlessly furnished him with, and because my job took me away for many nights, he wasn’t supplied with the satisfaction that he thought he deserved. 

“Why do you give a fuck if I’ve cheated on you? Don’t tell me you haven’t slept with that shitless nerd that works with you!” Christopher bashed looking straight into my gray eyes with nothing but wrath. I grew furious, Christopher could hurt and talk down at me all he wanted, but he had no right to disregard my friend like that.

“How dare you?!That ‘shitless nerd’ has been my best friend since I started at Quantico University, we’ve been through so fucking much together Christopher you know that, he was there for me at the hospital when the unsub shot Ellie and I, I was there for him after he was tortured and kidnapped I was the one that helped him through his drug addiction, when I miscarried our child he was the one that was there to heal me, and where the fuck were you? Spencer and I have been through tick ad tin, that man has saved my life in ways you never could, so don’t you dare call him a shitless nerd because Spencer Reid is twice the man you are” I exploded, unable to understand where I found the bravery to stand up to Christopher, what I did know, however, was that as soon as I talked back to him a feeling of adrenaline spread through my body, and it felt so good, so unbelievably good, that I knew that I wasn’t going to be able to stop. That was extremely dangerous. 

“But no, although I may love Spencer more than a friend I’ve never told him, because I know that if I do we wont be able to resist it, and I too would break or vows. But I would never do that, because despite the fact that I have undefined feelings for him, as twisted as it sounds… I still love you. And unlike you, I don’t stab people love in the back." I disclosed, maintaining eye contact with the man who hurt and kicked and tortured me just a few seconds later. 

 

***

I nervously parked my car in front of the Quantico Office at 10:43 PM , my friend and colleague, Agent Emily Prentiss, had called the entire team in alerting them of a serial killer haunting victims in New York City. At first I saw this as a Hail Mary, it was my opportunity to get away from Christopher and perhaps come back to a better start. However upon looking at my damaged reflection in the mirror I knew this wasn’t a good idea. My now abusive Christopher, had left me with massive deformed bruises, a cut lip and a runny nose. My makeup did a fabulous job at disguising the injuries, however my eyes and body language spoke louder words than my naked body, and I knew for a fact that at least one of my high tech genius friends would find out about the unfortunate events that I was going through at home. After constructing an excuse or speech to recite if anyone did find notice to my unusual behavior, I grabbed my old vintage suitcase and headed inside the building. 

“Agent Schuyler!!” Anderson called after me as I walked past the heavy glass doors. As much as I enjoyed Anderson’s company I was in a massive hurry and did not wish to be late to the case briefing, I pretended not to hear him, however Anderson got louder and louder forcing me to stop and walk his way. 

“Agent Hotchner asked me to tell you to board the jet immediately he said the rest of the team is awaiting” Anderson informed me before giving me a smile and walking back to his desk. This couldn’t be good. I rushed to the jet and jumped in to find my team awaiting me, I gave everyone a tired smile and sat besides my good friend, Derek Morgan on the left side of the table, in front of us sat my soul sister, Emily Prentiss and the man who’d saved my life, Spencer Reid. My handsome boss and the courageous Rossi sat on the couch before the table, they had apparently been briefed on the case as evidence by the uncomfortable expressions on their faces.  
“Thank you for getting here under such short notice, we need everybody’s 100% percent on this, I understand that is 11 pm and that we just arrived from a case this morning but New York City is in danger, we couldn’t just wait until morning ”  
“How….how bad is it?” I wanted desperately to be briefed on the case so I could understand why everyone around me looked panicked. 

“See it for yourself.” Morgan handed me the case file, I swallowed. 

"43 victims, all tortured in different ways, some butchered, raped , shot, eaten, electrocuted, the first murder began two months ago. He also attempted to burn down a home, but the family got away safely" Rossi presented 

"43 victims in 60 days?" I murmured breathless. "He has no mode of operation, are we sure this is the same unsub?" 

"Yes well he leaves a signature..." Emily started, I didn't want to ask what because by the look in her eyes I could tell it was a bad news. 

"It's quiet interesting actually, the unsub leaves clues for his next attack. In central park, where the minor bomb went off, he left an envelope on a tree, the envelope contained a name, Iris Chang, and the next day 10 women were raped and murdered in Chinatown" Spencer concurred, I admired the way he moved his hands when he spoke of things that interested him. 

"Was one of the victims named Iris Chang? I don't see how a single name could me a clue" Morgan wondered, Emily nodded in agreement both looked toward Spencer for an answer. 

"No victim had that name, I'll have Garcia look up her name once she gets into the office, I called her a few minutes ago" Hotcher put in.

"You won't have too, Iris Chang is an author, well was an author. She committed suicide after finishing her book Rape Of Nanjing." I expressed, my team looked on me with wondering eyes. 

"What ? Spencer is not the only one who reads you know" I giggled, Spencer smiled. 

"That is extremely racist, the unsub left us the name of the author who wrote about the rape of Nanjing and then he goes and rapes 10 women in chiatown? What type of twisted bastrad is he?" Asked Morgan, I could tell he was already irritated by the unsub. The team went on from there, the fact that he was racist said a lot about him, we had a foundation for a profile. However as much as I enjoyed analyzing and deducing serial killers I couldn't focus on our conversation. Intrigued on the unsubs controversial mode of operation, I grabbed the case file closest to me and began reading and scanning all the murders. I knew very well that although he had killed all this people in different ways, there had to be a connection. One time we had a series of 7 murders all extremely different from each other yet it turned out that they were all killed by the same guy who was trying to recant the murderers done by villains in Arthur Conan Doyle's amazing novels,The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, and another time although five murders seemed utterly opposite from each other they were all killed by the same usub who seemed to be reenacting the murders by famous serial killers. Thus I knew that somehow, these murders were important to the unsub, there was a hidden pattern! As I pondered I heard Spencer ramble on about the Rape Of Nanjing, arguably the most tragic attack in Chinese history, and the beginning of world war two. World War Two... world war two? World...war...Two... 

"THATS IT!" I jumped from my sit almost banging my head on the airplane roof.

"What's it?" Prentiss asked, the team nodded hungry for an answer. I paced across the minor hallway of the jet, excited upon my new discovery. 

"These murders, they are all minor reenactments of events that happened during major wars. Rapping the 10 women is a symbol for the beginning of world war two, when the Japanese attacked China and rapped over 80,000 females were sexually abused , the pregnant lady shot in the subway that's world war one when Sophie the princess of Austria who was with a child got shot so Austria declared war on Serbia and thus the chain reaction began and other countries began declaring war. The bomb that set of in Central Park we set of the day of the Winter Soloist festival, that represents the cold war, I hate to say it but it seems like our unsub has a bit of humor." 

"The bomb represented the atomic bombs that were the conflict of the cold war, and well the winter solicits festival is a pun, he used it to represent cold as in the cold war" Spencer added. 

"And he didn't fail at burning that family, it was on propose, that represents the Greco-Persian wars which took place in 499 BCE, in which the Persians attempted to burn down Athens but the Spartans interrupted them, giving the Athenians time to get away" I marveled getting more and more intrigued with the unsubs mode of operation. 

"And electrocuting his victims might represent The Algerian War, in 1956 Algeria declared independence from France and struggled for over five years in an attempt to decolonize Algeria from Europe. During the war, electric torture was the favorite method of the French military forces" Spencer added once again. 

"That enriches our profile, the unsub must have sufficient history knowledge to know about all these wars, he or she is probably a history student at a university. Now the question is, why is he reenacting all of these wars?" Hotchner caught up, immediately adding the discovery to the profile. The team continued discussing, comparing and contrasting more of the murders to previous wars, and I was well into the conversation, after all being a history geek myself I had an abundance of knowledge to share with my friends, however a steady ball of anxiety and nerves began to grow in my stomach, making me fidgety. Taunted, I excused myself to the bathroom, where I splashed cold water on my face, hoping the it would be the remedy to my sudden uneasy pain. It wasn't. My situational anxiety accelerated my heart beat and I found myself feeling dizzy, nervous and frightened. Yearning for a smoke I pulled out the nicotine gums that I hid inside my combat boots and began chewing intensively, wishing for this tedious distressing feeling to go away. The knock on the door seemed to do the exact opposite, I shivered annoyed at the fact that this feeling of terrifying fear wouldn't leave my body. I couldn't comprehend it because I had never felt so nervous and scared for a case as I had now. 

"Jane?" The knock on the door continued, I didn't have to hear the voice to know that it was Spencer, for he was the only one in the world to call me by my middle name. 

"Are you alright?" He asked again, I stood up, made myself presentable before the mirror (hopefully he wouldn't notice that I was slightly dying inside). I opened the door, reveling my friends concerned faced. While my nicotine gum did nothing but accelerate my need for a cigar, it took Spencer's smile to somehow calm me down. We walked back towards the front of the jet, where the rest of the team seemed to be enjoying the last 30 minutes of our flight to sleep before we arrived at New York City at approximately one AM. Spencer sat me down on the way back, turning on the dim yellow light above us. 

"What is it? And don't say its nothing because I know that look." he asked genially, I smiled weakly, he knew me to well.

"New York City" I murmured, looking down at my fingers. "It's the city... that took away my brother" My voice cracked, I began to tear up. I've had the pleasure to be Spencer's closest friend for the past 8 years, and yet I have never told him this story. I refused to start now, however there was an overwhelming waterfall inside of me that needed to explode out. Like a shaken soda bottle with the lid screwed on tight, the furry cannot be contained, it must be let out. My sorrow and pain sneaked out of my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. I tried to stand up, and hide my tears from Spencer, however my wise friend held down my wrist, genially pulling me back down. 

"Its okay to cry Jane, crying is the only way your eyes speak when your mouth can explain how things made your heart broken" Reid reminded me with his sweet, calm, nurturing voice. I looked him in the eyes as another tear formed in my left eye, he squeezed his grip on my hand. I broke our warming eye contact, and distracted myself with the view of the skyline of the sleeping city below us.

"Barry was the only family I had, and h-he ran into that burning building on S-september 11 2001.... and he...ne-nev-never made it out. I called him when I saw the news, I screamed and cried and begged him not to go in, he to-told m-mmm-me that it was his j-job and t-t-t-that he" I stopped, incapable of speaking, I buried my head in my hands and sobbed quietly, I didn't want my team to wake up. Spencer put his hand on my back, and reassured me that I didn't need to continue with the story. But I wanted too, I had to. I kept the story of Barry's death bottled up inside me for so long, that it felt astonishingly good to let it out. I looked back into Spencer's eyes ready to tell him the story face to face.  
"He told me that he loved me, and t-t-that if he didn't m-m-ma-make it out alive he would watch over me from heaven with mom and dad, I b-b-be-begged him not to l-le-lea-leave m-me, he re-res-responded with Milk & Honey, and ran into the twin towers to save a life, only to lose his own." I whimpered shedding tears at the memory of my final conversation with Barry. Spencer looked perplexed, for the first time in his life, he had nothing to say, he strengthened his grip on my hand and I rested my head on his shoulder, he turned off the light, the plane was now completely dark.

"Why milk and honey?" Reid managed to ask breaking the calming silence. I smiled at the memory of our silly clichés, when I was just a little girl, I hated to see Barry leaving for school because it meant that I would be alone in our foster home until he came back. Every morning my older brother would say goodbye to me, and every morning I would be alone with our uneasy foster mom Jennet , slowly I began to despite the word goodbye because it meant that I would be apart from my brother and destined to spend yet another morning with Jennet. One morning when Barry hugged me and said goodbye, I covered my ears and told him that I never wanted to heart those words again, because they meant that he was going away.  
"It was our code name for goodbye, I use to hate the word goodbye with every bone in my body, so instead we said milk and honey, it mean I'll be gone for a little while but I'll be right back...... he never came back though" I uttered vacantly. "He died a hero Jane" Spencer reassured me with a gentle whisper, once again tightening his grip on our intertwined hands. "That didn't make it any easier Spence." I clarified, it was then when I noticed that the cure to my anxiety wasn't water, or nicotine gum, or even a cigarette, the cure to my situational anxiety was Spencer Reid. The heavy burden of anxiety and fear had been evaporated from my shoulders, I felt free and at peace and slowly very very slowly I found myself falling into a deep pleasant long awaited slumber.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
More comping up in a few days!! Please comment i would love to know what you think, this is my first fan fiction on this website :)


	2. New York City

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The B.A.U arrives in New York City ready to tackle yet another challenging case. Pandora and Spencer are put in an awkward situation.

We arrived at New York City and drove straight to the New York City Police Department. I immediately felt uneasy once we stepped inside, and a series of flashbacks of the last time we had visited New York City as a team flew through my mind. I had been sitting inside the computer room with Garcia when we saw a black SUV blow up in flames, both of us panicked and for the first time in my career I thought one of my best friends had died, I remember growing dizzy and feeling lightheaded. The oblivion of not knowing who it was that had died was quickly killing me, I knew for a fact that I would not be able to live in a world without Spencer Reid and at the same time I couldn't imagine life without my father like figure Aaron Hotchner. Just a few hours later Derek Morgan literally attempted suicide and drove an ambulance with a ticking pipe bomb attached to it. Had he not jumped out of the vehicle when he did he would have surely died. I remember thinking of Barry when he did that, he was sacrificing his life in New York City to save the life of so many others just like my older brother, and I couldn’t afford losing another loved one in the same way. Barry died, Hotchner was injured and Morgan almost lost his life, so yes it is very easy for someone to understand why I am so fearful of New York, while others love and praise it and believe it's a city were dream comes true, New York is only a city only holds dark memories for me.

"Ah Agent Rossi, thank you so much for making it here so soon under such short notice!" Detective Cooper greeted, I remembered him for our last visit as well, he had gotten shot on the shoulder if I recalled correctly. 

"No problem, you remember agents Emily Prentiss, Aaron Hotchner, Derek Morgan, Doctor Spencer Reid and Pandora Schuyler" Rossi introduced us, we all shook his hand except for Spencer who waved with a smile.

"The conference room is ready for you guys to set up" Cooper noted, we followed him in. 

"We have no time to spare, this unsub is angry and will continue attacking until he is caught, Morgan and Prentiss go check the autopsy, Rossi and I will visit the last crime scene, Reid and Schuyler start with the geographical profile, we'll regroup at the hotel in two hours" Hotchner ordered, the team went off to investigate expect for Spencer and I. Spencer began spreading out the map of New York City on the board and I began taping up the faces of all the 43 victims who had lost their lives this past couple of months thanks to this monster. 

"We're going to need more space on the wall.... For all the victims" I murmured sadly. I was used to seeing a handful of dead teenage girls, or maybe five to six families, but it had been years in my career as an FBI murder investigator that I had to see so many victims ... so many lives cut short.

"I don't get it, why didn't they call us earlier?!" I questioned frustrated while taping the 26th victim, Andrea Jackson, on the wall. Maybe if we had gotten invited sooner, Andrea wouldn't be on the list. 

"New York City is prideful, they thought that they could handle it alone. Remember last time we came? Nobody wanted us here" Spencer explained without taking his eyes off the map. 

"Don't remind me of last time, I think we can all agree that that was one of our worst most, suspenseful cases" I murmured with a shiver.

"About that, how come you weren't anxious and nervous when we came last time?" Spencer asked, just now turning his back to the map and studying me as I continued taping the victims on the wall, I hated doing this particular job because I always began to wonder what kind of life the victims led, I would ponder whether or not they were good people and imagine the good things they could have done if they hadn't been killed. 

"Oh I was terrified I begged Hotchner to let me stay behind but he said the team needed me, so I had to suck it up" I confessed, I picked up the next victim's picture and taped it on the wall. 

"Did you ask him to let you stay behind this time too?" Spencer asked again, he poured us both a cup of coffee, it was 1:30 and we were both in growing need of caffeine. 

"No not today, I needed to get out of the house" I exclaimed I noticed Spencer's eyes gleam with anger, he tightened the grip around his plastic cup of coffee almost popping it. 

“What did Christopher do?!" Spencer interrogated with a sudden tone of vexation. If Christopher and I hadn't had eloped, then I know for sure that Spencer would under no circumstances let me get married to him. I cursed at myself for touching that subject, Spencer always disliked Christopher and if he only knew what he had been doing to me this past year there was no doubt in my mind, in a strange twisted thought, that Spencer would become one of our unsubs.

"It was nothing, we just had a little fight" I blurred out, looking around the conference room for anything that would change the subject. But I was out of luck, Spencer was already angry and hungry for more information, there was nothing I could do to derail our conversation.

"We just had a minor fight Spence, honestly it was nothing" I reassured him, Spencer walked up closer to me, maintaining eye contact as if he was trying to see past my lie, I turned away immediately and sat on the large oval table occupying myself with the crime scene files. 

"If it was just a minor fight you would have asked Hotchner to let you stay. No no no, this had to be something bad something big, I mean you chose to come out to New York... the city where you lost your brother, over staying with him, so it had to be something dour something serious " Spencer deduced, sometimes I hated how smart he was. He sat in the sit across from me, now I really did feel like I was being interrogated. 

"Stop it. We promised that we wouldn't profile each other" I reminded him. I learned about Christopher's unfaithfulness long ago, and it was immensely difficult for me not to tell Spencer about it, I needed a shoulder to cry on and who would be better than my dearest and closest friend Spencer Reid? But I was aware that if I told him, Spencer's hate for Christopher would only grow and that would only complicate our friendship. So I decided to keep Spencer in the dark and cried on my own. But now, that Christopher had evolved into an abuser that task had become much more impossible.

"I don't care about the promise, what I care about is you and your wellbeing, tell me what's going on or I'll have Garcia look it up herself" Spencer demanded, being a stranger to this side of Reid,I grew frightened. His eyes were red, and his voice was no longer calm and angelic, it was as if he had double identity disorder and had become the second angry person in front of me for the first time.

"Spencer you're my best friend, and I love you so much. But please please please, I am begging you, stay out of this. This is my own battle to fight." I beseeched with dismay. Spencer frowned and shook his head in disapproval, 

"No solider should ever have to fight a battle alone" He broke in with an honest and sincere tone. Then he stood up and continued working on the geographical profile, for the next two hours we worked in a vacant and lonely silence. 

"Jane... Jane... come on angel face, the team's already at the hotel" Spencer gently woke me up, I parted my eyes perplexed struggling to recall when I had fallen asleep on my chair and how long I had been out. 

"Come on you can sleep on the cab" Spencer grabbed both of our bags and put my arm around his shoulder as he helped me to the elevator, the rest of the station was already dark and vacant. We got in a cab, and I heard Spencer give the driver the name of our hotel, I wanted to thank him for taking care of me, and apologize for telling him to back off but I was drained, sleepy, exhausted and enervated so despite the fact that I tried to fight it off I fell asleep before we drove away. Once again, Spencer woke me up when we arrived at our destination, Hotchner and Rossi awaited us in the lobby. 

"Morgan and Prentiss already got their rooms, we were waiting for the two of you to make it here safely." Hotch informed us, as our boss and leader Hotchner was very cautious, he never ever went to bed without having everyone accounted for in the hotel.

"Let's get you two checked in so we can all get some sleep" Rossi said patting my back as we walked toward the registrations. 

"Spencer Reid" Spence told the hotel employee who smiled, looked up his name name on the compute and swiped his card. 

"You have room 52 on the 7th floor" The employee said handing Spencer the card key to his hotel bedroom, Spencer thanked her and stood aside with Hotch and Rossi.

"Pandora Schuyler" I gave the employee a weak tired smile, she looked up my name.

"I'm sorry miss, you're room isn't ready yet” the lady said with an apologetic look, my jaw dropped, I turned to my boss with an agitated glance, Hotchner walked over with Spencer and Rossi behind him.

"Is there a problem?" Hotch asked concerned.

"It’s just that you guys registered under such short notice that we didn't have time to clean and steady up 6 rooms" The lady described with a shaky tone. I didn't blame her, I didn't even know that we would be coming to New York until five hours ago, so I can imagine how hard it must have been for us to find a hotel with such late notice, what hotel in new York city would have 6 clean rooms available at 3 AM? 

"That's okay, I'm sure there is a hotel nearby that has an extra room" I murmured not really up for the task of walking around the sleepless city at 3 in the am.

"No way, with the kind of work we have do you seriously think I'm going to let you walk around this city at this time alone" Hotch disclosed with a serious voice. 

"Then what else could we d-" Rossi was interrupted by Spencer, "We could share a room, I could ask the hotel to send us one of those extra portable beds. I mean it really doesn't matter where we sleep as long as we do" He put in, Hothcner immediately shook his head in disapproval. 

"Hotch I understand your concern but what else could we possibly do? I mean Jane is literally falling asleep everywhere, and I mean literally, she fell asleep on the airplane, in the conference room, on the cab here..." Spencer listed Hotchner than agreed and we walked toward the elevators, I playfully smacked Spencer on the head.

"Why would you tell our boss that I fell asleep in the conference room!?" I asked him alarmed. Spencer giggled

"Relax you were only asleep for fifteen minutes" He told me as the four of us entered the elevator. I instantly grabbed Spencer's arm and closed my eyes, Rossi laughed. 

"Schuyler you are such a sloth, you sleep more than a baby sometimes" He said with a chuckle, Hotch laughed in agreement. 

"That's true, every time I watch 24 I think, Schuyler would not survive a day with this job" Aaron put in, they laughed, I was taken back by his silly comment. 

"Wait a minute Hotch, you mean to tell me that after we see all these horrible things in the field, you go home and watch more thriller and suspense?” I asked puzzled, I would never use the limited free time we get to watch crime shows, especially not when I work this job. 

"I guess, that's kind of ironic now that I think about it, what do you watch on your free time?" Hotch asked. I opened my eyes, but maintained my head rested on Spencer’s shoulder.

"Me? Well I can't handle any more suspense and stress than the one our jobs gives us, so I prefer to watch comedy shows, like How I Met Your Mother" I replayed 

"Or Big Bang Theory" Rossi added with a wink, I shook my head.

"Please who needs big bang theory when I already got my real life Sheldon Cooper right here" I pointed at Spencer with a giggle, Hothcner and Rossi laughed along in agreement, Spencer only looked at me with confusion. I chuckled even more at his confused expression, after all being the genius that he was I rarely got to see it. The elevator doors finally opened, we said good night and parted ways. Spencer and I continued walking until we found room 52, he opened the door and allowed me in first. I knew that the situation we were in was a bit awkward however both of us were far to drained an exhausted to even acknowledge it. 

"You can change in the bathroom while I call for the portable bed" Spencer murmured with a whisper, I nodded in agreement and carried my bag into the bathroom. I was taken back by my tired and worn out expression, my gray eyes were red with bags underneath, and my long brownish ponytail was an utter mess, my makeup was drained out from the time I splashed water on my face on the jet, in all honestly I couldn't look more horrible. I took out my sweatpants and tank top from my bag and began taking off my cloths, starting with my combat boots and working my way up to my white jeans and finally my uncomfortable sweaty royal blue polo, it was then when I came to a shocking realization... is still had the painful marks, scars, and bruises that Christopher had put on my body. My heart beat increased and my asthma disallowed me from properly breathing in and out, the blood pumping through my veins accelerated me making me feel uneasy, I searched through my bag for a sweater or jacket that I could put over to hide the scars but I knew well enough that I hadn't packed any of that stuff. I turned to my makeup, maybe I could cover them up like I had just a few hours ago before the jet ride, but I would end up getting the blankets stained and Spencer would ask questions... that was it! Spencer. I parted the door open to a minimum. 

"Hey Spence?" I called out. 

"Yea? Is everything okay Jane?" He asked, I could hear his footsteps walk toward the bathroom.

"Do you think I could sleep with one of your sweaters? I just realized that I left my pj shirt at home" I lied, I heard him say yes and then listened to his footstep drift away, later I heard the zipper of his luggage open, he came back and extended his hand through the little gap of the open door. He handed me his long sleeve V-neck purple sweater. 

"Thanks!” I called out in relief. I put the warm comfortable sweater over my body, Spencer’s tranquil sent immediately embraced me, and unexplainably I felt safe. I walked out of the bathroom to find Spencer’s bed had arrived, it was a small twin bed and looked extremely uncomfortable.

“No way you’re not sleeping there” I exclaimed, Spencer was way too tall to sleep on that, and I knew he needed more sleep than I did.

“Yes I am, Jane its 3 almost 4 am please don’t argue with me and sleep” Spencer coaxed with a tired but kind tone. “

Fine.” I walked up to Spencer and wrapped my arms around his waist, he was hesitant but hugged back after a few seconds, I pulled away and gave him a smile.

“What was that for?” He asked a little confused.

“It was a goodnight hug” I chirped as I walked toward my bed and got inside my covers. He chucked

“I didn’t know that was a thing.” I heard him say, he turned the lights off and skipped to his crappy bed, I closed my eyes. 

“Well… it can be our thing” I yawned, I didn’t see it but I could feel Spencer smiling. I was tired, drained and exhausted, a little heartbroken about Christopher too. I love sleeping, I really do, but I repelled the time I spent in bed waiting for a deep slumber. Every night I’ll go to bed wanting nothing but sleep, but I would end up lying in bed for 2 hours, flipping and twisting around until I finally drifted away, but that wasn’t my problem, my problem was being alone with nothing but my dark thoughts. As I tried to fall asleep, my brain would annoyingly recall a frightening crime scene, or I would imagine someone being murdered and then hate myself instead for not saving them, or worse I would ponder about…. Well… what my life would have been like today if I had never met Christopher. Would…would me and Spencer… would we... be together?....I never like to finish that thought because I knew I would regret my life decisions, and if there is one emotion I loathe more than anything, it was regret.

“Damn it” I murmured sitting up and flipping my pillow.

“What is it?” Spencer asked, his bed as a few feet away from mine, I heard him turn around to face me.

“I can’t sleep. Isn’t that ironic? I keep falling asleep everywhere but when I can finally sleep on a proper bed, I just can’t” I whispered, I could see Spencer’s silhouette but nothing else. 

“Oh that’s totally normal Jane, did you know that at least 40 million Americans each year suffer from chronic, long-term sleep disorders, and an additional 20 million experience occasional sleeping problems” Spencer responded, I smiled, everyone in the team rolled their eyes when Reid rambled on about crazy statistics, but I genially enjoyed them, they were probably one of the things I loved about him. After that we just couldn’t go back to sleep and our conversation went on, we spoke about insomnia, new York city, our interesting case, and latter argued about which was the best Hemingway’s book. We were only asleep for about 72 minutes before ambulance and fire truck sirens startled us, I turned on the night light and checked the hotel alarm, 6:08 in the morning. Spencer’s phone rang, he rubbed his tired eyes and answered the call. “We’ll be right there” he assured he sounded panicked and worried. Spencer hung up I took a moment to observe his messy long hair and tired face, he looked quiet dainty.

“What is it? What happened?!” 

“The unsub stroke again” Spencer told me as he jumped from his bed and searched for his cloths in his bag.

“But this time, it wasn’t a murder it was an attack.”


	3. Chapter Three- Platonic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little bit of a filler rapping up the horrible case in New York City

"What do you mean by an attack?" I asked Spencer following him down the hallway and into the elevator where we were greeted by Morgan and Prentiss.   
"What are you two doing coming out of the same bedroom?" Morgan winked with a surprised tone.  
"Unimportant. Would somebody tell me what kind of attack we're talking about" I questioned startled pressing the lobby button. Emily had her hair up in a ponytail and was wearing her typical work cloths, long black pants a blue button shirt and a black blazer, an outfit which I could not possibly wear when our job description included chasing after psychopaths under any outrageous circumstances. Morgan wore his long black jeans and his typical gray V-neck shirt. Spencer as always, attired himself with colored socks, elegant blue pants, a long collar light blue button shirt covered up underneath a purple vest and gray tie.   
"A chemical gas was released inside The Empire State Building, scientist have not yet been able to find out what it is and if there's a cure." Morgan answered my question with his typical serious tone.  
"There better be, because if there isn't... people will die" Emily addressed, unlike any of us she didn't look terrified or scared. That was the thing about Emily, she was the strongest one out of all of us.  
"Lots of people" I added, my stomach grumbled. The last time that we deleted with a case revolving chemistry Spencer had gotten too involved and ended up in the hospital because of it, he almost died. The haunted memories of that evening still bother me every now and then. 

Our black SUVs parked outside of the crowded crime scene, The Empire State Building, it was now surrounded by yellow barricade tape, ambulances, panicked people, and police officers. I was taken back by the horror of the setting, this wasn't just an attack by a random unsub, this was something much more serious than that. This was the second terrorist attack on U.S soil since 2001, and yet again it had to target New York City. But I wasn't going it let it succeed, New York had suffered enough, they had already felt the empty void when the airplanes had knocked out one of the seven wonders of the world, we had already experienced enough grief and lost and sorrow and we had had enough. I was determined not to let anybody else enjoy the messed up adrenaline of taking more lives and messing up New York.

"The building is on lock down, nobody has gone in or out since the incident, not until we find out what chemical we're dealing with" Agent Cooper explained as we exited the car and pushed through the mob of cameras and journalists.  
"How do we handle the press? I whispered in Hotche's ear concerned.  
"Explain the citation carefully, do not mention the unsub, and do not answer any questions, just inform them that the FBI has this under control" He responded, the rest of the team ventured of closer to the crime scene I stayed behind and did as I was told, I didn't know much about the situation myself except for the simple details included in the file that Morgan handed me this morning on the elevator, I shared what I had learned with the news and although it was a handful they, as always, were not satisfied. 

"Is this an act of terrorism?" "Was it done by the same person who has been committing the other crimes in Manhattan?" "Do you guys have any idea who he is?" "What can we do to be safe?" I felt compelled to answer their questions, after all the people watching from home who felt threatened and unsafe needed my answer, but Hotchner's demand circled in my brain do not answer any questions he told me, so I followed his directions and pushed past the crowd to investigate with my fellow team members.

"Well if we can't go in the building then what are we doing here" Morgan asked Hothcner distressed. He was right, at the moment no one was allowed in or out of the empire state building, there was nothing we could do out here except wait for the scientist to determine what toxin was released. 

"Rossi and I will stay here, Schuyler I want you back at the conference room with Garcia on the phone, help her go over each and every victim in the building, we need to know everything about them, this was the biggest attack in the usubs series of murders, it’s his most important one. That means that there is somebody in there that he wanted dead, knowing who will enable us to catch him. Prentiss and Morgan go talk to the families of the previous victims, I know they're all random but there has to be some sort of victimology , Reid I need you here with me, once they clear up I need you in there to help us look for any other clues the unsub might have left behind" Hotchner presented, Morgan, Prentiss and Reid nodded listening to his instructions. 

"No" I interrupted, Hotch was taken back he looked at me with a stern face.

"What do you mean no?" He questioned bothered.

"The last time we had Spencer go into a scene with chemicals he got infected and would have died if we hadn't found the cu-”

"That could have happened to any one of us" Rossi explained, Hotch nodded in agreement. I shook my head with panic, I didn't want to go through that again, I held back Spencer's arm as a way to protest and show my boss that I was serious. Spencer looked at me with a slight and weak smile.

"Jane it'll be alright, I will be careful" Spencer reassured me, I shook my head unsatisfied. 

"You almost died" I reminded him.

"Exactly, almost died" He remarked, I rolled my eyes. I knew that I was being very childish and silly, and I hated myself for disobeying Hotchner, but I had this hideous gut feeling that something was going to go terribly wrong, and I couldn't let that something be Spencer. 

"The Halabja Massacre" I deduced changing the subject, having unwillingly accepted the fact that Spencer would follow Hotch's order. 

"Pardon me?" Emily asked, the team looked at me displaced.

"That's what this is, we determined that the unsub reenacted previous wars, well the Halabja Massacre was an attack against Kurdish people during the closing days of the Iran-Iraq war, chemical bombs were dropped by Iraq all over Halabja: 5,000 people died" I recalled, yes there had been plentiful wars that included chemical warfare, but this one had been the most recent and most destructive one of all. Considering the fact that the unsub had already performed world war one and world war two I had to eliminate those options despite the fact that the Allied powers did use copious amount of chemicals during the second world war. 

"So now we're not only looking for a historian but also a chemist" Morgan chimed in. 

"Doesn't that make it easier? I mean how many men could have a masters on both history and chemistry?" I wondered

"You can check that with Garcia once you get to the conference room'' Hotcher told me, I sighted with a nod. Emily and Derek got inside the first SUV and drove off, I followed and was about to pull up the yellow barricade tape in order to exit the crime scene before a haunting thought occurred to me. If something went wrong, Hotchner, Rossi, and Spencer would be the first to get infected. If something went wrong I might never see them again. I turned back and ran toward Spencer wrapping my arms around him and putting my head on his chest so I could hear his steady heartbeat maybe one. Again, he was taken back by my sudden embrace, but eventually hugged me back.

"I'll see you soon, ok?" He asked me pulling up my chin, I knew that if I spoke my voice would shake from the fear of the unknown that was currently washing over me, so I nodded my head and gave Spencer a powerless smile. I turned around, pushed past the journalist with the cameras and the media, I got inside the black SUV ready to leave this godforsaken crime scene. However before I pulled away I stopped for a second to look at Spencer Reid smile, maybe for the last time in my life.

**** 

"Schuyler there are over one thousand people in that building... I've been reading about 67 of them, I have nothing specific. Marta Grace has been having an affair for 30 years and her husband is completely oblivious to it. Jack Wilson abused his wife so harshly that she miscarried their child but he was bailed out of prison by his brother. Robert Montoya is an utter freak, his laptop is filled with porn and very disturbing websites. I've only been able to find shitty stuff like that, nothing related to the unsub, I mean with over thousands of people in there this can be challenging " Garcia said through the laptop, I smiled at her crazy and funky style, seeing her always made me happy. I guess I admired the fact that after all we've been through, Penelope still managed to be happy and love everyone.

"I know, this is going to take a while" I answered looking around the empty conference room, I hated not being on the field it made me feel useless.

"It's not that, it's just...you guys choose this. Turning people over like rocks and looking at all their creepy crawling things underneath. And I get it I do, it’s the only way to catch them. But I want to see the good in people. I choose to see the good in people and getting into someone's mind and finding out the god awful things that they've done seriously impairs my ability to giggle and it makes my brain all wonky and I don't like it." Garcia expressed ,I honestly understood what she meant, ever since I began working for the FBI six years ago, I changed, this job changed me, it took parts of myself, the happy, innocent parts that I knew I was never going to be able to recover yet Garcia wasn't letting that happen and I admired her for that. 

"I know, it sucks it really does Penelope but-"

"We need to do this in order to catch him I know." Garcia interrupted me, I nodded.

"Now spill the beans I want the whole juicy story Pandora!!" Garcia demanded taking a sip out of her octopus shape coffee mug. I frowned confused.

"What are you talking about?"

"Oh you know very well what I'm talking about! You and Spencer in the same hotel room!" She said excited, I couldn't believe that she and Morgan had been on the phone about this already.

"Oh no sweat pea it wasn't Morgan, Emily called me" Garcia giggled reading my mind.

"There is a chemical toxin inside the empire state building and you and Emily are on the phone about my personal life?" I questioned laughing, my co-workers were unbelievable sometimes.

"Of course, this is important, we made a bet a few years ago that you and Spencer would end up together and I won my 50 dollars fair and square" 

"A bet now? You two are insane! Well I'm sorry to tell you that you owe Emily 50 dollars because nothing happened between me and Spencer last night! The hotel was out of bedrooms and Spencer shared with me that was it" I explained embarrassed Garcia kept shaking her head.

"Gracia how could you bet Emily 50 dollars on that? That's basically betting her that I'm going to cheat on my husband and I would never do that... even though he has" I murmured that last part, no no no no why would I say that? 

"Wait what did you just say?"

"Nope nothing I think I lost the connection for a second, anyway lets ge-"

"Pandora cut the crap and tell me that you did not just say what I think you said" Garcia demanded

"I... I... I did say what you thought I said" I confessed looking down, although I hated myself for accidently saying it out loud, it felt undeniably good to finally get that heavy burden off my chest.

"With who? Pandora why did you not say anything before?" Garcia's voice cracked, I knew she was hurt and angry at me for keeping such a massive truth a secret. 

"I don't know Penelope, I've never actually seen him do it but I just know." It was true, I never witnessed Christopher with another woman, and I never found any messages or photos on his phone that backed up my hypothesis, but he was my husband and although we had only been married for three years I knew him better than anyone. 

"What do you mean you just know?"

"Garcia I'm a freaking profiler for crying out loud I can read people like that, and when I come home after five days away and I look around my home... I just know somebody else has been inside it"

"Not to be rude or anything, and I don't want you to think that I'm on his side, because I'm not, but maybe you should give him the benefit of the doubt" Garcia pointed out. She was right, perhaps if I had given Christopher the benefit of the doubt and asked him about it instead of accused him, he wouldn't have hurt me. Garcia enlightened me, thanks to her I was able to see things from Christopher's point of view. He wasn't unfaithful to me, I accused him of cheating, he got mad, and he hurt me. Had I asked in a different tone, he wouldn't have gotten out of control, this was my fault. 

"You're right Penelope, I should have given him the benefit of the doubt. But anyway back to your stupid bet you're clearly losing those 50 bucks, I mean Spencer and I are platonic." I mentioned, Garcia started cracking up.

"You and Spencer are most certainly not platonic my sweet pea" Garcia laughed

"Are so"

"Are NOT"

"Are so"

"Garcia drop it we have a city to save remember?"

"Right, true, lets get on that" She responded, for the next two hours we learned all that we could about all victims inside the empire state building and got nowhere. My phone began buzzing,  
"Emily, you’re on speaker with me and Garcia, please tell me you have something, anything'' I begged panicked, this city was in grievous danger and all I had done for the past two hours was sit in the conference room and learn about these poor victims. 

" Oh I got something, but it is not good news. We've been studying the victims side effects, muscular spasms, respiratory issues, seizures, cramping's, we've got 37 dead already, they've been sent to the chemical lab downtown, the autopsy reports all say that the cause of death was either kidney failure, cardiac arrest, brain damage or multi-organ failure. The living victims are all currently experiencing abnormal dilation, protrusion in the eyes and involuntary eye movement, high blood pressure, rapid breathing, blue discoloration, excessive sweating-"

"I get the picture! Do they know what chemical it is?" I blurred out panicked

"Strychnine, its ranked number 4 on the list of deadliest chemicals"

 

"That's good news" Garcia piped

"What do you mean how is that good news?" Prentiss asked from the phone.

"If it is that toxic that means it must be impossible to find, if we find where and how the unsub got his hands on it, we find him. I'm on it! I'll call you when I find something" Garcia shouted typing away as she hung up. I too, hung up the phone with Emily on the line and ran downstairs to the parking lot, driving back to the crime scene. 

I arrived five minutes later to find The Empire State surrounded by ambulances. Victims were being carefully transferred with gurneys that had special transparent bubbles surrounding it so that other people would not be contaminated. I saw Hotchner, Rossi and Spencer in the distance speaking with one of the crime scene investigators.

"Is there a treatment?" I asked them as I approached. Spencer nodded "There is no specific antidote for strychnine but recovery from strychnine exposure is possible with early hospital treatment. Treatment consists of removing the drug from the body and administering supportive medical care in a hospital setting. They'll be okay" 

I looked around the city confused. "That doesn't make any sense, if the unsub was really reenacting the Halabja Massacre he would have used a none curable toxic, he would have wanted them dead" I made out

"Well maybe he couldn't get his hands on anything else" Spencer figured, I nodded satisfied with his theory. Hotchner walked up to us

"We won't be allowed into the building until tomorrow, they're going to send in a team to clean and detoxify it. That means that we won’t be able to analyze the crime scene properly, it’s going to slow us d-" He was interrupted by his phone

"Team I've got something! Strychnine is complicated to find in New York City, the only known lab to have it is Mercury Labs in Wall Street, I've already done my research and they reported a vile of the chemical missing two days ago, they've also been reporting that one custodian hasn't shown up since, Samuel Michaels, but wait there more! This dude fits the profile perfectly, he's a student in NYU and is currently getting a masters in history, this is his second attempt at a career because apparently he was getting a masters in chemistry two years ago at UCLA but dropped out in the third semester, he's a loner no known relatives, has had 40 different jobs in the past couple yea-"

"Address?!" 

 

"421 Hudson Street 92940" 

 

We got him.


	4. Chapter Four: He Was Just Here

_Doctor Spencer Reid: "Monsters don't make wars, wars make monsters."_

 

We won. We caught him. During the course of the car ride to the address that Penelope had given us I was sure of the fact that it was a trap. That when we got there a chemical bomb would explode and injure us all. It was too easy, he didn't even put up a fight. Hotchner and Morgan interview him, turns out he was a history student with so much hatred inside of him, and he said he hated the fact that the world has had so many wars... And people just ignore them. His plan was to reenact the wars so that people would be forced to face the truth about our world, so that they wouldn't be able to ignore all this suffering anymore. But all he ended up doing was cause more suffering. I thought of this as we drove to the Italian restaurant uptown, usually when we finished a case in two days we would enjoy an extra day in the city, but I wanted nothing more than going back home.  
"Nice choice, I love Italian food" Spencer smiled after the waiter dropped off our food.  
"Only because Italians use forks" Morgan laughed, I giggled recalling the day we visited a Chinese restaurant and Spencer struggled with the chopsticks. We ate our meal as heroes, having just saved hundreds of people from a poisonous gas and put away a very dangerous man, this was my favorite part about my job. Getting to eat lunch with my team, the people who put their lives on hold to save the lives of so many others. We laughed, talked, chuckled as we recalled few of happy memories that we were able to acquire through this complicated job.  
We finished our meal but decided to stay in the restaurant to continue celebrating a successfully closed case. Rossi ordered red wine and we drank to our team, thankful that we closed yet another case without injuring or losing one of our own.

***

"You know Chris never called me once." I murmured in a whisper. The night sky shimmed in through the hotel window creating a peaceful and relaxing scene. I heard Spencer's squeaky bed move as he shifted to face me, he rested his head over his palms and yawned.

"I mean I'm his wife... and this job is so risky and dangerous...why he wouldn’t call to-"  
"Check on you and make sure you're safe?" Spencer finished. I nodded, every night I would ponder the same thought. How could Christopher sleep at night without knowing if I’m even alive?  
"Maybe he planned on calling but then remembered that there is a time difference so he decided not to call in case you were sleeping" Spencer figured, maybe he was right -If there is one thing I've learned over the years is that Spencer is always right. - After all Christopher was very cautious not to wake me when he got up for work early in the morning and I was still in bed.  
"Yea, maybe you’re right" I yawned tiredly, we shared a peaceful silence.  
"Thanks for letting me share a room with you Spence" I whispered before falling asleep.  
"Anything for you Pandora." Was the last thing I heard Spencer say before I fell into a deep slumber?

****

"Where are we going? I don't know much about New York but I am pretty sure the airport is that way" I exclaimed squished in the back of the SUV in between Spencer and Morgan , Hothner drove with Rossi as his co-pilot, Emily passed out in the back.

"We're going to make a little stop before we fly home" Rossi informed me smiling, I nodded a bit annoyed, I wanted nothing more than to leave this god forsaken city.

"Is it going to take long?" I questioned shaking my leg up and down impatiently.

"Geez girl calm down it’s a surprise" Morgan put in with a wink, Spencer shook his head. "I wouldn't call it a surprise" He added with a slight tone of panic in his vocal cords. It seemed like everybody knew where we were going except for me. I hate not knowing.

"You two do remember that I hate surprises"

"I could never forget that. Don't worry I just said it wasn't a surprise... it’s more of a sentiment" Spencer explained

"A sentiment? What is that supposed to mean?" I looked around the car, Hotch maintained his serious face, Rossi sealed his lips, Morgan shook his head, Emily was still asleep, and Spencer avoided eye contact by looking out the window.

"Fine if nobody's going to tell me ill deduce it myself"

"Let’s see... New York City... Well we already drove past central park so it couldn't be it that means that we also past The Museum of Natural History so it can’t be that either, that sucks you guys know how much I love history, oh my god I know we're going to watch Hamilton!! No no no the tickets are way too expensive there is no way you guys got your hands on some, no offense. The statue of liberty? Nah that wouldn't make any sense. What other tourist attractions are there in New Yo-" I was cut off when I came to a horrible conclusion.

"No...oh my god...please....no" My heart broke, my eyes immediately watered.

"Spencer please no" My voice cracked in heartache as the tears that had piled up inside my eyes rolled down my cheeks.

"Pandora... you need this...you deserve some closure" He mumbled with a sincere voice. I shook my head in anger, Spencer did not get to decided what I didn't and did deserve, I panicked about to order Hotchner to turn back the car but before I could find my words we reached our destination. Fear, pain, anger and regret showered over me, paralyzing me for a second.

"Ground Zero" Emily whispered in shock as she woke up. Hotchner parked the car and one by one everyone started getting off. I hesitated.

"Come on" Spencer stretched out his hand to help me step off the car. I shook my head as tears chronically fled from my now red and puffy eyes.

"Jane you need this. We'll be right next to you." I took Spencer's hand and he gently helped me off the car, however as soon as I noticed my surroundings I froze and became stuck in motion.

For a split second a flashback took me back in time...to the dreadful day of September 9 2001. I heard the screams of horror and shock that people cried in the streets as they witnessed the two airplanes crashing into the world trade center. I saw complete strangers hugging and comforting each other in despair, I felt the heat of the smoke and fire that exploded and evaporated from the rash, I tasted the sweaty tear drops that fled down my eyes as I screamed and begged Barry not to leave me. The distant sirens from fire trucks and ambulances still rang in my ears. The city was in chaos. We were under attack. Our families were in danger and or happiness was on the line. Children lost their innocence for the first time. They went from believing in fairytales and heroes to facing the harsh reality that the world was corrupt and messed up. All of us had been given the gift of life, but now thanks to who we lost and what we witnessed, we weren't given the gift of living it. All of a sudden it stopped. I could no longer hear the cries and screams of New Yorkers on the most grievous day of their lives. I could no longer see the towers collapse and I no longer noticed the smell of smoke or the presumption that my eyes once watered. All I was left with was silence ... the dead empty silence. I walked with my team toward two gigantic holes, what use to be two glorious towers is now two water fountains that carry the tears and sorrows of America.

Two massive water fountains, both with one smaller one inside, engraved in the bronze bar surrounding the fountains was the name of every: father, mother, sister, brother, husband, wife, and hero that lost their lives that day. My heart skipped a beat when I began wondering where Barry's name was.  
We stood around the first fountain in a moment of silence.  
"The water represents the tears shredded by the families of the victims" Spencer’s voice cracked, he too was crying.  
"The loud noise that the water makes as it drops represents the screams heard throughout New York City" He continued.  
"How come it doesn't make a noise when it falls from the top fountain to the one inside?" Emily noticed  
"That silence is on propose. It represents the bovid that was left in America... after all those lives were taken" Spencer answered, my heart dropped as I subconsciously acknowledged the vacant spot in it that Barry had left, I covered my mouth with my hand to keep myself from sobbing any louder. Suddenly Rossi's voice distracted me, "Pandora over here!" He shouted, I immediately rushed towards him, the team right behind me. There, in front of me was my brothers encrypted name; Barry Liam Schuyler. I couldn't take it anymore, my heart burned in indescribable pain I crunched down to my heels and hugged my knees, burring my head inside my arms as I continued to sob. This was the spot where I last saw my older brother, my light, my hero, my only blood relative, this was the place where I lost Barry forever.

"He was found and pronounced... at the scene,...he was already dead. The paramedics said that he was caught in the fire .., I mean that's basically what they said... Barry was more than a brother to me, he was my world, the only family I ever knew... when he was here...the path was clear... and he was here... he was just here" I sobbed, Emily helped me up and pulled me into an embrace, I screamed and cried inside my friends arms torn apart at the memory of my brother. It was then when Spencer walked towards me, holding a white rose in his hand. He gently put it inside Barry's name and gave me a weak smile.  
"I'm sorry Jane... I shouldn't have forced you here I thought it would be good for you... I guess I was wrong..I am really sorry Jane, I hate seeing you like this" Spencer acknowledged, his voice broken up.  
"No, Spencer don't apologize, you were right.. I needed some closure." I reassured him wiping a tear and forcing a smile.  
"Thank you... all of you for coming with me" I told my team, thankful to have such a wonderful and supporting family. "Anything for our girl" Hotch answered he messed up my hair with a smile. We shared a group hug and they began walking away.

"Milk and Honey" I told my brother before turning around and catching up with my team.

 

_Agent Pandora Schuyler: "We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with no progress to show but the smell of smoke and the presumption that our eyes once watered"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the late update and the short chapter. I promise it'll get better soon. Thank you for reading.


	5. David Rossi

We flew home that evening and arrived back to the capital at nine PM, all of us tired and worn out from the events that conspired in New York City. We parted ways and each drove home, everyone happy to hear that tomorrow was our day off, everyone happy but me. 

I parked outside my house knowing that Christopher had probably taken the only spot in the garage, locking the car I quickly walked toward the entrance of my house eager to get inside to the safeness of my home. If there was one thing this job taught me was never to walk in the streets after sun fall alone. 

I was welcomed by the empty sound of the fridge making ice, and the quiet shim of the wind pushing the window curtains back and fort. That was unusual, typically after flying in from a case I would find Christopher parked in front of the television watching a football game, after all he was a sports journalist and watching football games was technically his job.   
The vacant sound of my home startled me, I was not use to being home alone and defiantly did not feel comfortable, after all these years on the field I could not comprehend how more then half of my co-workers had to come home the a lonely house, with no one to help the forget what he had seen on the field but themselves. 

"Chris? Honey?" I shouted looking around our rather vast and modern home. I checked the elegant television room with a 30 inch plasma tv, the small gymnasium, our library/study, the kitchen and even went outside to see if he was either at the bar or pool, what can I say, sport journalist make good money, but Christopher was no where to be seen. 

As usually the worst conclusion jumped into my head -HE'S BEEN MURDERED IN HIS OFFICE- and I also pondered other rather disturbing thoughts such as a car accident. However my wife instincts quickly kicked in and I came to the most probable conclusion, he forgot I was coming home and stayed in the office late. That was it right.... right?   
An uneasy shiver fled down my back which knotted my stomach. What if he wasn't in the office? What if Garcia was wrong... And perhaps I shouldn't have given him the benefit of the doubt. What if he really is seeing someone else?   
I ignored the burdening feeling and rushed to our bathroom to shower and clean up, it had been three nights since my fight with Christopher and unfortunately the bruises were more visible than the night he gave them to me. I came out of the shower and turn on the television still wrapped inside my blue towel, instead of using the towel to dry myself off I decided to lazily wait for the water to dry itself off while I watched Parks and Recreation. 

Finally I put my pjs on and pulled the covers from my side of the bed. It was impossible to sleep without knowing where Christopher was or even if he was okay. However very suddenly I found myself missing the long a.m talks I had shared with Spencer while he kindly let me stay in his hotel room. And that was when my mind eased off, suddenly I wasn't worried about Christopher's well being, I was worried about Spencer's. I wondered what it had been like for him to come to his vacant apartment, and eat dinner alone. I wondered if he was already in bed like I was, and I wondered if he missed our long night conversations as well. I should have felt absolutely horrible for worrying about Spencer rather then my husband, but for some odd unknown reason, I didn't. 

"Good morning duck" I woke up to Christopher's strong arm warped around my body and his gentle whisper in my ear. I turned around to face him, messy short blond hair, interesting deep green eyes, dimples, and of course his heavy muscular arms.   
He smiled at me half asleep and pecked my lips, I held his hand and rested my head on his chest enjoying our sleepy morning.  
"Where were you last night?" I finally broke the silence, he opened his eyes.  
"Alex invited me to his sons baseball game, I know it was only little league but you know I never say no to a game" He answered, despite years of training and my ability to tell when unsubs were lying, I wasn't very good at deducing weather or not he told the truth.   
"I didn't know little league games were at night" I murmured.

"They aren't, it started at 5 but it ran a little late, plus we ended up staying afterwards for hot dogs" He answered holding me closer to him.

"How come you didn't tell me?" I asked, he rolled his eyes and gently pushed me of his chest sitting up on the bed. 

"Because you where in New York?" Christopher responded with a tone of sarcasm.

"You would have known I was coming back if you ever called me!" I remarked mimicking his motion and sitting up on our bed. 

"Here we go again, Pandora must you always ruin the moment?! We were having a nice relaxing time in bed and you just had to open your mouth" Christopher shouted I bit my lip, hurt. 

"You're right. I'm sorry" I whispered knowing that if I kept on going he would only grow angrier. I pushed past him and into my walk in closet, looking for something other than my work clothes to wear on this already crappy day off. 

We went to the movies, and later dinner with Mia, Christopher's co-worker and her husband Jason. While I am not very comfortable in the social situations Christopher's job puts me in, such as galas and sports parties, I really enjoyed going out with Jason and Mia. Jason was a theater and history professor at the local collage and Mia was a fashion journalist in Christopher's firm. Usually Mia and Chris would talk about work while Jason and I talked about well anything really. I found his knowledge in history fascinating and he found my job very interesting, so we always had many topics to talk about. While at the dinner table I began wondering what my team was doing. Penelope was probably able to convince Derek to go to the mall with her, shopping with Garcia is never boring, Hotch and Rossi were probably coaching Jack's soccer team, J.J recovering from the flu, Prentiss would more likely be spending some time with her cat, and Spencer? Well there was no telling what Spencer could be doing, he could be reading a Russian book, or watching a documentary on wood, or maybe even reading up about the 243 different types of tobacco ashes. I watched my husband take a sip from his wine glass and continue speaking to Mia and her husband about his work, they laughed at his jokes and gestures and Mia praised him, marveled at his beauty, but I for once found myself wishing I could be learning learning about wood with Spencer rather then listening to the mysterious man my husband had become. 

***

"Morning Pandora!" Penelope shipped when I walked into the F.B.I's headquarters, I smiled and hugged her having missed my close friend for she had not accompanied us to New York.   
"Are you okay? Derek told me about ground zero. I'm really sorry I couldn't be there to hug and cry with you" Garcia expressed genially concerned, I smiled at how much she cared for me.   
"I'm better now, thank you though. It would have been so much easier if you had been there" I responded in honestly taking a seat on my desk, in between Emily's and Spencer's. Spencer sat in his desk working on some papers, it looked like he had gotten here before anyone else, I smiled at him and he smiled back. 

"Did you go shopping with Derek?" I regretted ever asking because Garcia instantly began fan-girling and describing what she bought item by item. She leaned on top of my desk while she continued to ramble of about her new dresses. Emily entered next and witnessed our conversation.  
"Garcia that sounds like fun!" She put in when she heard Penelope talking about her and Morgan's weird adventures at the mall. 

"It was, we should all go next time. Oh my god girls night! Please please please we haven't had one in ages!" Garcia piped as she stirred her coffee. I looked down and played with my fingers, Emily shrugged.

"I don't know Pen, it's kinda harder now" I made out, deep inside I yearned for a girls sleepover at Garcia's apartment. She would bake these delicious brownies, and braid my hair, we would sing karaoke and gossip all night. It would bring the teenager child like person hiding inside of us, and although it sounds totally lame and childish I really needed them sometimes. The sleepovers helped me forget the horrible, torturous things we witnessed in our lives. 

"What do you mean?" Penelope asked, a tone of disappointment in her voice.   
"Well with Jennifer being a mom, she can't really go out to a sleepover you know? And I-"   
"You're scared to leave Christopher alone more nights than you usually do" Garcia interrupted me, recalling the uneasy conversation we had shared over Skype when we were suppose to be working on the case. She knew that I didn't want to leave him alone for more nights than I already did in fear that he might have the opportunity to cheat on me.   
I looked down, disturbed and a little angry at Penelope for saying that out loud in front of Emily and Spencer. Spencer's pen fell out of his hands, he looked up confused.

"Why wouldn't you want to leave Christopher?" Emily beat him to the question, Garcia looked at me with an apologetic look. 

"Oh well I mean I already have to spend half of the week away from him and I wouldn't want to miss any other night, you know?" I lied with a fake smile standing up and rushing to the kitchen to avoid further conversation. But even if I did sound convincing to Emily, I knew very well that my genius friend did not buy it.

"Hey kid" Rossi greeted me, he poured milk inside his coffee cup, without asking he took out the small peculiar sky blue cup that I liked from the cabinet and poured me a drink too.   
"You look like you need to talk" He said to me as he handed me my cup of dark black coffee; the way I loved it.

"You know me to well" I said in hot pursuit following him to his small secluded office. 

***

"But you have no evidence of his unfaithfulness, correct?" Rossi questioned, we had created a therapy type session, he sat on his chair and I laid on the couch. If he wasn't an FBI agent I knew for sure that Rossi would make a living out of being a therapist. He was a faithful listener but most importantly a sage when it came to advice. 

"Nope, but I mean we bring in suspects all the time without evidence. All we need is the profile. And I mean have you ever profiled Chris? Alpha male, narcissist, prideful it all points to an unfaithful man" I explain distressed looking up at the selling. 

"Schuyler it's not always healthy to profile people in our lives, keep work at work" I could hear Rossi walk around his office while he talked, but I kept my eyes on the selling avoiding any sort of eye contact. 

"I know I know, but I can't help it. He's not himself lately, he's so distant and cold. The only time he's romantic is when we're out in public, and the only time he acts as a gentlemen is when he notices other guys starring at me." I responded, it felt so good to get this of my chest. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. 

"Have you... Schuyler I don't mean to say this to offend you in any way, but have you considered that your subconscious perhaps made the affair up?" I opened my eyes confused and a little panicked. 

"What? Why would I do that?" I questioned sitting up and walking toward Rossi who stood before his window starring at the office space. 

"To redeem yourself for being in love with another man" He murmured looking straight at Spencer. My heart dropped and I could feel the blood pumping through my veins. 

"I don't-"

"Oh but you do. You really do Pandora, and it kinda sucks for all of us to see you love another man while the perfect one is right in front of you" Rossi made out, he turned around and walked out of his office, I stayed behind pondering. I had never admitted my feelings for Spencer. I always hoped that if I never came to admit them then they would just go away, but they didn't. And now Rossi had done it for me, and I knew I would not be able to shut them off.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fan fiction on this website, I've been working really hard and now that its summer i'll have a lot more time, so expect more updates. I really hope you enjoy reading it as much as I like writing it.


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